The reality of current pleasures

Malcom Muggeridge writes "A Twentieth-Century Testimony":

When I look back on my life nowadays, which I sometimes do, what strikes me most forcibly about it is that what seemed at the time most significant and seductive, seems now most futile and absurd. For instance, success in all of its various guises; being known and being praised; ostensible pleasures, like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer.

In retrospect, all these exercises in self-gratification seem pure fantasy, what Pascal called, "licking the earth."

We live in a world where instant gratification is available and encouraged. Television and movies are major influences in increasing people's expectations. They graphically portray what other people have and can do in living the life of ease and "fun."

from the book 'the 7 habits of highly effective people;

A note

Sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism in deep relationships are an attempt to protect hurt, tenderness and vulnerability within.

Drummaaaaa!!

Only recently I have looked properly into this drummer with a funny name ‘cobus potgieter’. He has only been drumming for 8 years till date but his style and skill are exceptionally good, no great, NO AWESOME. . . . like a drum sex!! His backgrounds were humble enough that he was in a christian convention where they got young people to try things, such as the drums for cobus. That kick started a desire in him to play the drums, and play it with passion indeed. His beginnings can be found here http://www.cobusmethod.com/about-cobus/.

 This drummer has come out from nothing, no drum lessons from anyone but became a youtube pop star. He acquired 20 million view on youtube and millions of likes on facebook. Tonnes of people follow his twitter too. Why? How?

The amazing thing about this guy is that he learnt everything by ear. Who’s to know that he never once took lessons before. Yet his skills and energy that he shows off are just infectious. I like his quote, which is ‘Laos De Semper’ meaning glory to God. And indeed, he is quite a testimony. Every songs that he plays has a wide range of beats and fill ins. Its never the same for every 4 bars. But whats even better is that he’s mastered all of them. I wanna be like him. But he’s a drum genius.

  He has done many drum covers. His most recent one is kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars. Anyone like it? At http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIm0kOa65Do

  Just looking at him play, I’m inspired to just have fun on the drums more. Learn a new thing, practice it and execute it during a song. That’s where the fun, challenge and adrenaline comes from. Rock on cobus! 

Marketing

  Recently, a friend of mine got me introduced to this marketing plan by a corporation called ‘kenshido’. They were selling this online primary and secondary learning program called ‘ Score A’. He first got me introduced to his boss who told me all about the program, the product, and the business networking side of it.

  The product or the program was an interactive online service which kenshido had spent millions into development and later research into whether the program could work on students. The end result was that it could perform, getting better grades for students. With input from phychologist, successful teaching methods and further endorsement by the government, Score A proved to be a great teaching method for kids who wanted to excel. It was a great product.

  So this is the interesting part where this great product would have business partners setting up a multi level marketing(MLM) network among the people. These included friends, family or relatives to join in being business partners. By buying their package to sell, which were classified as e-partner (5 account portals) or e-entrepreneur(15 account portals), they become business partners under you. Basically, each person would try to get 4 people under them. Step 1 involved you getting 2 people under you. Once you got these two people to buy into being partner, kenshido would give you money based on whether the people under you bought e-partner or e-entrepreneur. You would get more money if they bought an e-entrepreneur. In step 2, a person needs to get 2 more people, or have 4 people under you. Then, your initial 2 people would need to get 2 more others under them. This would grant you a lot more money. However, you get less after each generation. And after that, you just teach your people to do step 1 and 2 and duplicate the whole process. The incentive for this is that the money earned is high, if you can achieve it.

   Kenshido has made 28 millionaires by this program. The youngest being a girl who joined and became a millionaire at the age of 19!! In fact, on the day that I met my friends boss, a millionaire called Tines came to give a motivational talk. Of course, all these people are kenshido workers who follow their given rules obediently and are rewarded for it. The humbler you are to learn, the more chance you can be like the 19 year old millionaire. The more you work for them to build the marketing network, the more money you earn. The millionaires all give talks on how everyone else can become millionaires just like them.

  So working under them and getting a good pay seems like a very good incentive. During testimonies, the people there have gotten good pay, even better than their previous jobs, which enticed me. I had a deal, to buy their e-partner and build their network for the next 3 months. It wasn’t bad. If I reached up to step 2, I would have made enough money to pay back the rm2.4 k that I spent to buy. But that just sounds easy when put so in those terms.

  I told pop and mom about this but they had their own opinions on it. One would have to be quite ruthless in marketing this. They would have to get more people to come in, become partners who would later have to go on and make more partners. The big sum of money would be the drive. However, pop knew me more than I knew myself.. We are not the type of people to go around convincing or begging others to be part in this marketing scheme. Yes though the return is great, but I am about to be a doctor, which I already have steak on the plate. This money is meant for people who do not have other alternatives to rise higher and make good income. We work for our keep, follow the old rules of money, work hard as a doctor in Australia where the pay rocks, save money and invest in real estate. The best part is that it is a safe job and it is even test proven by my wise pop and mom. The job security I have is more than enough.

  Me being in Miri, I do not mix around with that many people. All those I know are from church. My connection here is really small and I do not think that I would be able to even get 2 people. One person sounds hard enough. Who could I ask? Those people who have made it have a wide circle of local miri friends. My bunch of friends are overseas, or too young to even consider this.  This is the church people who I mix with and it feels wrong to involve them in this. I do not have any working friends who are struggling at the moment, or at least seem to be in a financial difficulty. I guess this is what they mean by honor of having our own profession where we do not rely on anyone else for money.

  So I guess I’ll just have to pass this opportunity up. I couldn’t get the money from pop and mom since I do not have my own money and suitable connections. So for now, I’ll go back and try to get a stable job for the next few months.  

Tearing apart

Difficult, grief, remorse, anguish, sadness, loneliness, pain, hurt and loss.

 I do not agree by my actions and guilt is upon me. I do regret of the loss because it was fine and happy, but sometimes, breaking up just happens because it’s complicated.

  Where we go through on this miserable road, I hope we emerge knowing that whatever we go through holds significant power in shaping us, for better or for worse. Experience is personal and I will review it as much as I can to learn most out of it.

‘do not fear mistakes, rather fear the absence of learning from it’

 I commend on the strength that she showed during this time. sorry it had to be that way. 

In my head

realises that i'm not such a nice person personally

a time

I wish it did not have to happen

long time no see blog

 hello hello blog, its has been super long since i wrote an entry. life has been filled with so many other things like completing my bmed science program, church, girlfriend, games, sports, drums and so many things that i have not written down into this blog.

 the reason for this entry is because i know a few people who have commented on me not updating my blog. wow, my friends actually read my blog. first of course is my gf. M****  also asked me to continue (haha you know who you are). and my bmed housemate. haha.

  well just for the time being i'm in penang and i just went to this dam which was going to be renovating until 2016. me and my host was lucky to find out that today was the last day before they were gonna close it down temporarily. anyway, it was here that i actualy thought that i should write something in, and pen down some thoughts on life and stuff.  for instance today, at the dam, being surrounded by so many people of different ages and walks of life. it made me realise that this is what life is. growing up, working, becoming a couple and then getting married, getting kids, and going for trips  such as exercising in the parks. thats what humanity is right now, living in a peaceful state.
  also, i somehow appreciate the word ideas and people who change the world. as i walked through the crowd at the dam, i wondered about a person who could lead all this people. right now it was a mass of people with different skills and types. imagine if a leader could harnest their skills to complete a task, a feat, a manmade marvel. that would require a great deal of wisdom, experience with people and a mission that would guide everyone. humanity, if everyone had one mission, imagine the great feats that could be accomplished. more man made marvels.
  so just some random thoughts that i thought i should pen down. :) as i welcome myself back to this blog

Reflection

last night, Pastor tim talked about campus. here are a  point that i recalled. 

Campus is the best time for learning. Paths are formed while in campus. Eg, pstr tim became passionate about  serving God in campus and now, he is a pastor(he did not know that one day he would).

I hope it is not too late for me to do things for God. I am filled with regret of not doing more. But hopefully one day, God will realize this heart that bounces back and forth, and forces the part that wants to do more for him to be stronger than the part that holds back.

on another note, i want to pen my sharing last night on what I have learnt  from research.

1    1)      To have confidence in whatever I do

2)      to be creative is to self express and to hold that what I do is a part of me

3)      to back up what I do with reasons.

4)      Able to research up things on the internet better

5)      Organize my time

6)      That even with a busy life, there is still time to serve. It’s a matter of priority and interest

Even from this extra year that I am here, even with the meager 2 months that I have, I have participated in things that really interest me. That thing is capoeira. The Brazilian martial art that I now love. To fall in love with something is wonderful. All you think about is it. It drives you to do things more, achieve more, want more, be better than you currently are. Some little lessons that are found in this are:

1)      Life is like the roda, it hits you, but take it as a lesson. Fight back.

2)      Life can be unfair. So better prepare yourself

3)      Art exercise (eg. Capoeira moves) leaves you feeling good. Leaves you with power in your arms and bulk on your skin

And finally, even in the 2 months. I was able to meet someone special. She is one person who cares, takes care, and vibrates almost at the same frequency. God must have been graceful to send this person across this path. Risky as it is in a few months, but we enjoy whatever we can of it. For life, is whatever we make of it~ 

Strangers

i saw this great video on relationships. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY&feature=player_embedded
i commend on wongfu's work

a sad but true, thoughful process of a relationship that fails.

stage 1: meeting
stage 2: chase
stage 3: honeymoon
stage 4: comfortable(the deciding stage)
stage 5: tolerance
stage 6: downhill
stage 7: breaking up

definitely worth contemplating about

Confidence

Confidence is firmly believing in the decisions we make,

not wavering 

but defending it with its appropriate reasons

lessons from the lab    

age groups

Treat those younger like your children,

those of similar age like your equals, 

and those above you with respect.

Capoeira

last night was great with nigel, ee lin, renee, rachel, kelvin and mei xian.

basically the night was food, of vegetables, mashed potato, fried chicken mountain, and friggin whole body of lamb. we ate, chatted and waited for the show to start. before that we went into the monash library and got stunned by how nice it was there.

  the night started with maculele, the dancers in grass skirts doing the tribal dance with sticks. i heard for the first time real and live authentic maculele music, involing drums, congo and the guy singing the maculele song. the story of maculele was that they were all dancing the dance, and one person causes some commotion, and happens to kill one of the people, everyone scorns him, but they end up dancing together with the dead guy in the middle, and then leave the stage. the witchdocter comes and rattles her dead man concoction around him for awhile, then lets him drink it, then she leaves. he stumbles up alive, and suddenly is full of more strength and start jumping and dancing again. the end.

 later was the capoeira. which the bantus people came. they danced to the beat, exchanged people by others coming it and staring the person he wants to duel. exchanging kicks and doing ground moves, they dueled and spun and handstanded. it was amazing watching them. such grace and core body strength in a powerful concoction of dance and martial arts. it was even better when the president and a guy with dreadlocks came out. they did fancy and advance moves that stunned the crowd. how i wish i could do those. the dreadlocks guy had so much arm strength, that he started his cartwheel or Au but just stayed in a handstand. the president could do some crazy jumping kicking moves too. there was this girl who had these nice toned muscles, even bigger than mine! at the end, they asked the crowd to go up and try to do capoeira too, which was embarrassing, haha. but they had fun. i got to see shafiq in action, the malay dude who had huge muscles.

later on in the night, they got some samba girls to dance. then they opened up the floor for everyone to dance along with their samba beat. after a long session of it, they ended it but started with clubbing songs. and at that time, things got fun as we all danced and moved along with the familiar popular tunes. i went crazy when they played 'club cant handle me right now' as i went into a dancing frenzy and breakdanced whatever i could with the music. ah, i had a little spotlight for myself that time :). . exhilarating. . . all the rest had a good time too, swaying and moving with the music.

  the night went on until 12.30 or so. later we went to play lame games and tell lame jokes. we also chilled at the mamak stall and chatted will 2.30 or so. ah, it was a fun night. totally unexpectedly good

Finally!!

 a special someone asked me to change my blog and put up something happier. 

well. . . . woohooo. i finally discovered how to change the darn background picture, and its looking so much brighter! 

nice stuff

this instruction sheet gives 

a lot of life's simple packages

to you and to those around. 

want some joy everyday?

then spread it with these 

. . . . . . .

. . . complexity leads to more complexity. is simplicity around?

Worship

Better is a few minutes of true heartfelt worship to a man’s soul than many professional concerts.

One can ask for forgiveness, but only his heart may qualify him for it. 

The garden of the Mind

Last week I went to Singapore for holiday. It has been awhile since I wanted to post something up in the blog. But I was always carried away by something else.

Well Singapore is not the reason for this entry. Although it was good family time and lots of fun, some in the sun, and some in one of Singapore’s thousands of malls, this entry is about a thought I read from an article in the newspaper while I was on the 6 hour journey to Singapore via transnational bus.

  The phrase inside the article said that the mind is like a garden. I found it interesting, and this is what I was able to think about this ‘garden’ in every persons head.

  It is fertile. It can change appearance. It is able to grow all sorts of plants. The soil nurses all kinds of flora, like flowers, trees, bushes and many more. However, in any garden, there will be one thing that grows unchecked, those are the weeds. Allow me to explain the metaphors.

  A persons mind is the centre of human conscience. It is the master control of all that one does. It harbors thoughts, beliefs, habits and thinking styles. How a person lives is based on a method of thinking that a person acquires from his environment over the years. In our mind, we can aspire for greater things. For example dreams, success, hope, happiness and others. These things lead to a fruitful, purposed and all that is positive in our lives. However, there are other things, things that are negative that inhabit our minds, and left unchecked, do quite the opposite, and even blot out all that brings betterment to our being. Fear, hopelessness, insecurity, doubt, evil and all sorts of negative thinking can easily just come in and ruin or lessen what we can potentially be or become.

  To further clarify, flowers, trees and bushes are attitudes and traits that are desired. It takes constant trimming or what can be called as discipline to grow these. Once grown to maturity, they can produce fruits of productivity, love and success. Just as trimming allows more sun to reach the areas of the plant for maximum growth, one need to analyze and meditate on life to know where he is going and if there is any area for self improvement and correction.

  For Christians out there, the bible has said in psalm 1:1-3 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

  So brothers and sister, blessed are you who does what is right and loves the bible, contemplates about it and apply it into your lives.

  Weeds are the negativity in our minds. Just like how weeds grow and sap the good resources form the soil, so too, are negative thoughts to our mental energy. Unproductivity, procrastination, laziness, apathy, guilt, fears, insecurity are some of them. These bind to us whether we like it or not, settle and grows. Some take roots and grow to be big weeds that establish their roots deep into us, manifesting in the future as potential problems. Whatever it is, some need the proper tools and a lot of effort to pull out, in other words, we night need help from others and strong will to overcome these traits. Though we can somehow overcome these weeds in our lives, there will be stumps in the earth or scars that become a part of our garden, or who we are. Weeds tend to regrow no matter how many times you pull them out. in the same way, negative thoughts do not go away, but we should be wary that it returns so we may react accordingly.

   Apart from the metaphor, there are other things in the garden that can be made as other metaphors. One of it is the seeds. Seeds of thought come from the outside world. What we see and hear are all seeds sown into our minds. One with too many seeds and plants leave the garden in a haphazard state.

 Hey another one for my bro and sis in Christ. Jesus gave the parable that the gospel was a seed sown into people. Some fall on good soil which grows to produce tens of thousands of fruit. Others fall on rocky ground, the roadside and even eaten up by the birds of the air. Hope that most of us are the good soil.

Another thing that affects the garden is the weather, which is volatile and changing. It can be coined as the emotions and moods that we have. Now thoughts and emotions are not the same. Ones thoughts can be controlled by emotions, but emotions can be willed by thoughts too. One with a strong mind can possess self control to live by his principles and values no matter what mood he is in. moods are controlled by external factors. But values are controlled from within, or internally. One who masters himself internally is able to influence situations and others around him better.

 In my conclusion, a well attended, trimmed garden leads to a good lifestyle. One that is unattended leaves a messy screwed up life. One can have a purpose for their garden, or just let things happen by chance or by accident. It is up to us to decide which the best is because ultimately, we are the ones in charge of our lives, not anything else. 

how to solve a problem

  Well, most of the time, we face problems and there are difficulties which lie in solving them. We just realize that there are many things which make us unhappy or dissatisfied with what we do, let’s say our work, our relationships, running our organizations and to a simple boy like me, games.  This is my experience of playing games and finding what I actually do and some practical things to realize and do when we find ourselves in this spot.

  So this is me, most of the time when I am doing something.

So I’m like playing a game and it just goes on and on .. . and on. … . and on. . . .

Then I lose

And if I really just become an angry monster, I’ll either, stop playing, or brainlessly just go for another round.

This brings me to the topic of this blog. My first question is, do we even know that we have a problem?

I find this critical and it is just called troubleshooting.

What are the common things that we do when facing a problem?

1)      Bang against the same wall again and again 

We do not see our error of our ways and so keep doing the same thing expecting different results, hoping that it will work in the end. They just accept it as it is and leave it like that.  Dude! You’re barking up the wrong tree! 

2)      Rage quit!!

  Ah the hot tempered way of running from a game to continue to fume at the how unfair the game was or that your teammates were a bunch of noobs, people how dunno how to play.

 L

Just another way of saying that we are just getting emotionally flustered over the situation/ problem. These are the type of people who blame and are not really nice people sometimes. They lack the self control and lose themselves while they vent their anger on the poor people around them, causing them to be disliked. So be careful when you get angry.

So these are the 2 reactions that we usually fall into, which leads me to the third and more appropriate reaction.

3)      Troubleshoot

Ah these people are the ones who rise above. They think hard and recall to identify the problem, find answers on google, discuss about it or go on forums to find answers.  

And that’s my thought of the day. I think the main things is that we constantly recall our situations and think of improving them, rather than being stuck in the same place the whole time. It feels good to get better at something. So just keep those brain juices flowing and improve day by day. 

leon

(all work of art was created from microsoft paint)  

Goodbye friend

 An old miri friend of mine is going back for Chinese New Year and he’ll only be coming back after I finish my course. This friend of mine is kinda special in his ways (smirk). But I am close to him because he’s just simple and game for whatever I want to do. We think alike. I dun like to judge people. So other people might judge him in some ways, but I think he’s just fine. We think kinda alike, and play the same game now.

Initially he was just into anime and random things online.  I played League of Legends sometimes and he would watch. One day I asked him to play and try it out. I said I’d make the account for him but he did it himself. Turns out he really liked the game. Last time we were all dota idiots. Now we’re LoL idiots.

  After introducing the game to him, he became even more addicted to it than me. He would read the forums and find anything relates to LoL. A lot of conversations with him was just about the game. Addicted we were.

  What more to make the game more fun, we skyped while LoLing. I tell you, play a game with a friend and you bond. But more interaction with one while playing and that’s a strong bond. This sounds gay but we’d even just leave skype on while we’d do our own stuff. Then suddenly: “dude lets go another round” that was fun.

  Now he can’t really do it because he’s back in hometown where streamyx becomes screamyx, in other words, its suburban internet. So even if we do, the quality becomes real crap. Even then, he will not be here in KL to be my friend when I want some easy company. I will miss his presence here and how easy it was to open up to someone. So now either much initiation is needed to be better friends with others, or go on a loner road. The latter is easier but socially unhealthy

  How interesting relationships and bonds are. Some people just bond instantly with others while finding it especially difficult to be close with others. This tuning fork that everyone reverberates at just works out to be like that. Some people are blessed with more frequencies, while others attain it by training. 

  Out of this one good friendship, I learn that to make a relationship work, it needs to be pushed, unafraid and open. Some friendships are easier, while others take a lot of effort and maybe disappointments and boredom. A common ground between 2 people really bring them together. 

Fasting

My church Eaglepoint was having this prayer and fast for a week so that we could get back in line with God and start the new year right. as everyone was going to fast about something., i too wanted to fast and pray for a year aligned with God. first i was going to pray to get more spiritual as i really did not feel like praying or reading the bible at all for the past few months. plus i thought that  a little more direction and quiet time with God would do my soul some good. for fasting, there are many types: full fast, partial fast, daniel fast, fast from certain foods or things or emotions and etc. i decided to fast from 2 things that really occupied my mind, that were food and computer games(LoL and starcraft2)

   fasting from food is really hard. you feel hungry in the morning when you wake up, throughout the morning, past lunch, hungrier after lunch, rumble rumble, still hungry through the evening and at last its time to eat at 6pm. !!!! oh yeah. i end up eating a tonne of food. and when i'm done, i feel so full and bloated. fasting throughout the day leaves you realy tired, even more so when your body is digesting the food.My church Eaglepoint was having this prayer and fast for a week so that we could get back in line with God and start the new year right. as everyone was going to fast about something., i too wanted to fast and pray for a year aligned with God. first i was going to pray to get more spiritual as i really did not feel like praying or reading the bible at all for the past few months. plus i thought that  a little more direction and quiet time with God would do my soul some good. for fasting, there are many types: full fast, partial fast, daniel fast, fast from certain foods or things or emotions and etc. i decided to fast from 2 things that really occupied my mind, that were food and computer games(LoL and starcraft2) 

   fasting from food is really hard. you feel hungry in the morning when you wake up, throughout the morning, past lunch, hungrier after lunch, rumble rumble, still hungry through the evening and at last its time to eat at 6pm. !!!! oh yeah. i end up eating a tonne of food. and when i'm done, i feel so full and bloated. Fasting throughout the day leaves you really tired, even more so when your body is digesting the food. The body starts shutting off, feeling sleepy. . . .

  but that is what the flesh feels like. I had my friend nelson to keep me accountable of me during my fast and prayer, to give me some advice and company during this week. We agreed on this fast and prayer together and we would see it through.  

  On the first day, I was hungry. I was advised to seek God in this time, instead of concentrating on what my body felt. So I followed his advice and kept thinking of my situation with God. One of my reasons for fasting was that I get good grades in my Bmed science program. Hence at those times, I focused on my research work or rather my thesis which I really have not gotten to writing. This attitude really becomes productive with a sweet taste in your mouth of satisfaction. I cannot boast that it was all that productive, but everyone needs their first steps to slowly progress to running. In other words, I did quite little but at least I start getting momentum to use my time effectively for writing my thesis. So God has answered my prayer in that aspect.

 

   In the morning, I would try to consistently do my devotion. I needed to read what our Lord says so that I can get closer to him. So brings me back to the churches original purpose for the fasting, to get aligned with God once again.  Through the devotions, I learnt lessons to be humble or drop my pride, to acknowledge that everything I have I from God (lessons from Job); and that if I can accept good things from God, I should also acknowledge that I can get bad things from God.

Many lessons of life from proverbs 21, such as the hardworking and the lazy, the proud and the humble, the wife that we marry, the words that we use, the things that the Lord looks in a man’s heart, the righteous and the wicked, are what can be garnered from these words of wisdom.

  One more lesson that I learnt though praying is that I should be totally honest with God. Even though I doubt and question him and his words sometimes, these should be raised up so that we are actually more aware of ourselves and our spiritual state. But as long as I know that God is in control and he is mighty along with my own resolve to stay with him, I know that even all this doubt and questioning will not waver me but provide me more wisdom in this walk with God.

 As I went further into the fast and prayer, fasting becomes easier as the body gets used to it. But even better than that, the mind is cleared and the body feels like its getting purged or purified. In all aspects, the desires of the flesh become smaller. Indeed in the body, there are 2 sides, that is the spirit and body. Whichever we feed becomes stronger and the other weaker.

  Well now that the fast and prayer has passed, it’s quite a relief to eat again. But be warned that once we eat again, the stomach needs to adjust again. Every post meal is followed with a bloated feeling, and drowsiness. Well on the other hand, I am aligned better in my spiritual walk and am doing my devotions.  J

thanking God

todays devotion is summed up as: we should love God and say that life is good because he keeps the earth in a sustainable and beautiful homeostatic environment.

note of thanks

 Pseudo!!! thank you :)

short coming

today i just realised that i have this shortcoming of being rather negative about events. allow me to explain. an event is going on, and i really think twice about joining it. my peers seem to be all for the event but i hesitate to join.  i cant imagine going through the whole of my life facing opportunities but turning them down.

  if you realise people get to places in their lives because they take whatever opportunities that may come their way.  they take positions and places. as for me, i think i'm stuck in places because i turn down these things. why do i turn them down,. . .maybe i just feel negative about a lot of things. i have my doubts. i have to filter out whether its something i like or if its bearable. or maybe they are just capable of doing certain things. while i aint prepared or naturally gifted in that area.

 stuck. ..